


Memento

by CoffeeFairy



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Memory Loss, Pining, meaning they get together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:28:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28110177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeFairy/pseuds/CoffeeFairy
Summary: Set after s7e17, Workforce Part 2. Returning to Voyager with no memories of her life there, Kathryn Janeway gets a tour of her own life from Chakotay. Slowly her memories return and the most important one comes first - that she's in love with her First Officer.Excerpt:“Thank you.” She put her hand on his arm, the way Kathryn often did to those around her. “For this.” Her hand didn’t move and the touch of it burned through the fabric of his uniform. “And for taking care of me, showing me around. I am sure you have more important duties.”“I don’t. You’re my priority, Kathryn.”Shadows chased through her eyes, and he thought he felt a twitch in her hand. The intimacy of the dark, of her touch made him dizzy and he backtracked, chided himself for a fool for the millionth time.“It’s my job. As first officer.”Her hand slipped away, and he immediately missed it.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 28
Kudos: 93
Collections: 25 Days of Voyager (2020 Version)





	Memento

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 25 Days of Voyager over on Tumblr. Janeway is definite OOC for most of this story, my excuse is that she's not actually completely herself!

“The treatment has proved most effective when the patient is reminded, taken to familiar places and so on. It accelerates the re-growth of the neural pathways needed to reconstruct the memory engrams.”

The EMH as always looked pleased with his own input, probably singing his own praises in the Chief Medical Officer’s log for the treatment he’d devised.

“You’re  _ re _ -constructing my memories?” The Captain sat up, turning to the EMH.

“My apologies, Captain. It was a clumsy way of putting it. The engrams are already there but they have been...altered. Imagine your real memories as metal, and the Quarren made them rust. They’re covered, their look changed. I am providing the polish, and the Commander here will be the able hand wielding the polishing cloth. Soon you’ll recognize parts, then increasingly memories should return to you.”

“How long will this take?”

“It appears to vary from person to person. No more than a week or two before you’re back to your usual self, Captain.”

“I’ve told you, you can call me Kathryn.”

“And you’ll have to tell me again, Captain. I have more patients to see, I expect you to report for a check-up in the next day or two.”

The captain slumped, rubbing her hands over her face. It was an uncharacteristic move for her, just like the hair and the posture, even the way she moved, reminded him this was not yet the real Kathryn Janeway. It was hard for some to pinpoint, he thought. He’d noticed the crew double-taking when they saw her. Even the ones who had yet to recover their memories had still straightened, involuntarily snapping to attention. But the air of command, the quiet self-confidence, the sharp-sighted eyes were all gone. This was a Kathryn Janeway with less edges, more vulnerable, more open, easily trusting. He didn’t care for it. Impotent rage filled him that the Quarren had dared poke around in her mind, make her into someone she wasn’t. It was worse than torture, to turn someone into a person they weren’t, a person not shaped by their own experiences but perceived ones.

“And I suppose you’ll insist on calling me “captain”, as well?” Janeway asked in a tired voice.

“No. As I said before, we’re friends. I already call you Kathryn when we’re off duty, and for the foreseeable future, you’re off duty.”

Her lips twitched. “And shouldn’t I get a say in that, if I am indeed the captain of this ship?”

“I am afraid we’re both overruled by a hologram in this instance.”

She sent the EMH a look through narrowed eyes. “I’d love to get a look at his programming. The self-growth he claims to have achieved would be fascinating to see.”

There was a flicker. A flicker of her. The curiosity, the low excitement humming in her tone of voice. That was all her. 

“I’ll get you a PADD with his specifications. It’ll make great bedtime reading.”

“You’re teasing me?”

Chakotay chuckled. “You’d think. You like to read long technical reports before bed. You say they’re relaxing.”

“Oh.” 

She sent him a quick glance he couldn’t read. Somehow he’d made her vaguely uncomfortable but he wasn’t sure how. 

“So, we should maybe get started, taking the memory tour. I could take you to your quarters if you’re tired or-”

“I’m not tired,” she interrupted.

“Okay, then how about the Bridge?”   
  
She stiffened, frowned.

“It’s the night cycle, no one is up there but Ensign Kim. He won’t be expecting you to command.”

After a short hesitation, she nodded. He reached out instinctively to help her off the bio bed, but snapped his hand back. This version of Kathryn didn’t know him, didn’t know their history. At least not yet.

She slid off, and stood. He realized she was waiting for him to lead the way. She didn’t know where the Bridge was. And he, he was always following, half a step behind, used to letting her take the lead. Grimacing, he lead her out of the Sick Bay.

“This is the ...lift. It’s voice activated and since you’re the Captain, you can go to any deck using it.”

They stood in silence as the lift zoomed higher. In the confined space he realized she didn’t smell right. She was wearing some perfume different to the usual. As he knew from the bottles lined up in her bathroom from his visits, it wasn’t perfume but jasmine scented shampoo she usually wore. This scent was intentional, heavy and reminded him of hothouse flowers or orchids. It didn’t suit her at all. 

“Here we are. This is the Bridge. At ease,” he directed at Harry with a wave. The Ensign nodded, sent the Captain a look and then sat back down without comment. 

“This is where you spend most of your days. You have a ready room but most of the time you like to be where the action is - on the Bridge.”

She moved forward, cautiously as if a hole might open up and swallow her whole. Her eyes were fastened on the viewscreen, a wrinkle etching its way between her eyebrows. 

“Anything?” Chakotay asked.

Janeway shook her head. Crossing her arms in a move that looked more like she was trying to hug herself than shield, he gestured for her to follow. Inputting the password, he let her into the Captain’s Ready Room. 

“This is where you spend the rest of your working time. Your console is here, and it’s where you speak to the crew in private.”

She walked past, her fingers trailing the glass topped desk. 

“I...I think I remember this room.”

“You do?”

“Well, parts. I...I remember...the smell of coffee?”

Chakotay laughed. “You do love coffee more than anyone else I know. The replicator in here is set to make it strong enough to break through the cup.”

“You...you come in here, every morning. We talk about...about the day ahead. The crew. What to get done.”

“That’s right.”

“You drink tea.”

While it was a small detail, it shone through him like sunlight. “I do.”

It seemed to lift her mood as well and she continued investigating the room. 

“I...I think that’s it. That’s all I remember.” 

“It’s good. Remembering anything at all at this stage is great.”

She sighed. “I suppose. I just...I hate this. I hate being told. I should know these, should feel at home but I...The only thing I seem to remember is you. I remember we’re friends.”

“We are. It’s…” He looked around, searched for the words that would be right, as if they’d helpfully appear in neon in the air. “We’ve been through a lot together. I’m your second in command and we’ve had to make some tough choices in this room. I wouldn’t say it’s us against the crew in any way but we’re...separate. We are responsible for all the lives on this ship, responsible for the chain of command. In the past seven years we’ve managed to find a good balance between working well together and being friends.” He weighed back on his heels, looked around.

“It’s not all doom and gloom though, sometimes after shift we have a cup of tea and discuss how the day went, any crew matters that have come in. Sometimes I’ve come in to find you catching a ten minute cat nap on the couch,” he smiled.

“I sleep on the job?” She looked horrified.

“Kathryn, you’re on the job 24 hours per 24 hour cycle. You’re the captain no matter who has the Bridge. If you didn’t sleep “on the job” sometimes, you wouldn’t sleep at all.”

And he had been nothing short of delighted to find her asleep those times. The woman worked much too hard for it to be healthy. 

“Should we go to Astrometrics and Engineering as well? Then you’ll have caught the most important places you work.”

  
  


o.O.o

  
  


They finished the tour by heading to the Mess. No one was in there as the night shift hadn’t started their breaks yet. Neelix, who had finally headed to bed after making as many favourites as he had time to to “remind the crew of home”, had left a plate with Janeway’s name on it in the cool store. Chakotay heated it before bringing it to where Kathryn was staring out the window. 

“I believe this is an all time favourite. Crepes with sugar and lemon juice.”

Janeway turned to him, outlined in starlight and smiled softly. His breath escaped him, his throat tightened. The urge to give in, to kneel and wrap his arms around her waist, put his head in her lap was overpowering. Fighting the familiar battle with himself made him realize at least a part of her was back. This reaction was one he had only ever had to her. 

Steeling himself, he set down the plate and sat. 

“Thank you.” She put her hand on his arm, the way Kathryn often did to those around her. “For this.” Her hand didn’t move and the touch of it burned through the fabric of his uniform. “And for taking care of me, showing me around. I am sure you have more important duties.”

“I don’t. You’re my priority, Kathryn.”

Shadows chased through her eyes, and he thought he felt a twitch in her hand. The intimacy of the dark, of her touch made him dizzy and he backtracked, chided himself for a fool for the millionth time. 

“It’s my job. As first officer.”

Her hand slipped away, and he immediately missed it. 

“Well, all the same. Thanks.”

Turning her attention to the food, she gingerly took a bite. “These are amazing!”

Her childlike delight eased the implications of what he’d said and he leaned back, grinning. “They are your favourite.”

“I didn’t know they were. It’s odd, isn’t it? I could tell you my entire CV but not any of my previous colleagues’ names. I know I like to eat but can’t name a favourite food. I should have realized it wasn’t real, that our lives aren’t in part fog.”

“I don’t know, there are parts of my life that feel extremely far away now. Looking at where I am now, compared to where I came from. That feels far off.”

The Maquis. The man he had been. The people he’d lost.

“But you remember faces, names? Feelings?”

“I do. But Voyager has been my life for the last seven years. This is what feels closest to me.”

She put her fork and knife down despite only having had two bites.

“I appreciate you trying to make me feel better but I know this isn’t natural. I should have seen it.” She stared into the table. “I should have seen it.”

“They erased your memories, Kathryn. They altered who you are, there was no way you would have been able to see through it.”

“Tuvok did.”

“Tuvok is almost ten times older than all of us. His biology is different.”

“I should have listened to you.”

  
  
“You did.”

He had to admit it had hurt. Seeing her look at him without a flicker of recognition, not an ounce of the normal warmth in her gaze present. It had hurt that whatever she felt for him, it wasn’t strong enough to wake her from the haze she was in. 

“What matters is that you’re here. Where you’re meant to be. I know it must be frustrating to be a stranger in your own life but trust me, Kathryn, this is your home.”

She looked up, her eyes boring into his.

“I feel that. I know it.”

There was an open trust in her eyes, a fathomless depth of it and it staggered him. 

  
  


o.O.o

  
  


“Here are your quarters.” He once again entered a passcode he knew by heart.

Kathryn stepped past him, taking inventory of the space. She ran her hand down a sideboard, picked up an old book, put it back. Trying to see it with unfamiliar eyes he had to admit there was very little of Kathryn in the room. 

“Is this...all of it? My things?”

“Yes. You’re...you’re more about the now, the people around you than things, mementos.”

“I…” She hesitated. “I thought I was a collector.”

Chakotay was helpless to explain why the Quarren would alter her personality in things that didn’t matter to them. Would it make her work harder if she needed credits for things? Was it a side effect of some other change?

“It’s...hard. We don’t have much with us. You thought you were going to space for three months, not seventy years. Everyone only had the bare essentials. Most of the things in here is stuff that you have picked up on the way.”

Briefly she closed her eyes. “Okay. Is...Is there something in here that I brought with me? From home?”

Chakotay pointed to the bathroom counter, just visible through the open door. “That hairbrush, the silver one. It was your mother’s, and before that your grandmother’s.”

She strode over, picked it up. Her face lit up. “I...I remember this. My mother used to brush my hair with it, humming under her breath. It was always for nothing, the next moment I’d be up a tree or under the porch or in the stream. 

“That sounds like you. Always curious, always on the way somewhere.”

Stroking the back of the brush, she smiled to herself. He thought he perceived a miniscule change in her posture, closer to the Kathryn he knew. 

“I think it’d be good to end the tour on a high note. How about I come back tomorrow and we’ll talk some more?”

Wordlessly she agreed. He left her standing in the middle of her quarters, for the first time since he’d met her, seeming small. 

  
  


o.O.o

  
  


Three days later more memories had returned to her. She remembered some of the routes on the ship, could find her way from Engineering to the Sick Bay, from Astrometrics to the Bridge. She knew some of the crew’s names and parts of her life before Voyager. 

“This is Sandrine’s, one of Tom’s holodeck programs. Sometimes we just leave it running as a place for the crew to socialize. Sandrine herself came fluttering in their direction but Chakotay shook his head before she reached them. With a sniff and a flash of skirts, the hologram turned away. 

“I come here too?” 

“At times. You have less down time than the rest of the crew but sometimes we manage to get you to come along. You play pool and you’re so far undefeated.”

“I play pool?” She looked delighted at this.

“And how. I believe I can give you a run for your money but I have never beaten you in seven years.” He tilted his head. “Want to give me a chance before you remember how again?”   
  
He’d expected her to decline but she accepted, already moving towards the pool table.

“Is this a ploy? Do you actually remember how to play?”

Kathryn laughed and shook her head. “No, I don’t. But I’m curious, they say muscle memory can be incredibly strong. Maybe my body remembers what to do?”

“Interesting,” he acknowledged. “I guess we’ll find out.” 

It turned out muscle memory did return to her, however the strategy and planning of an experienced player hadn’t come back. Chakotay managed to win a round thanks to it.

“I guess now you have beaten me, huh?”

“I wouldn’t say I beat you. You’re not really you yet, it’d be…”

He trailed off, appalled at himself.

“Sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like-”

“It’s fine,” she held up a hand. Her eyes were dark but she straightened. “It’s true. The Kathryn...the me, that you know, I...I still don’t know who she is.”

“She’s in there. She’ll come back to you. It’s just a question of time.”

“What if it isn’t? What if I never get parts of me back?”

“Look at Tom, he has all his memories back. He’d back at work and so is B’elanna. They just have a head start.”

She put the queue down gently. “I hope so.”

Her voice was quiet, almost resigned and he hated it. Kathryn never took anything lying down. Breaking his own rules he approached her, setting his hands on her shoulder. He leaned close, gaze holding hers.

“I see it, Kathryn. I see you in there. Day by day, hour by hour, I see more of you return. There is no doubt in my mind you’ll have all your memories back soon.”

To his surprise, her narrow shoulders under his hands slumped and then she leaned against him. Chakotay had been raised to believe there was strength in asking for help and humbled to be wordlessly asked, he wrapped his arms around her. Held her as if he was anchoring her in this life, in his. His chin came to rest on top of her head and then her hands wound around his waist. He prayed no crew members would stumble in and break the moment. 

After several wordless moments, Kathryn leaned back. Looked into his eyes, searching. Then she stepped back and his arms fell to his sides feeling like they no longer belonged to his body. 

“Thanks. Again.”

“Anytime.”

  
  
  


o.O.o

  
  


A week after her return Kathryn was still progressing slower than the rest of the crew. The EMH ventured her stress levels were elevated, and that this was hindering the progress. Kathryn herself had moodily remarked that since she was responsible for everyone on this ship and had no idea how to do her job, she deserved to have elevated stress levels. The doctor prescribed sleep and “indulging in your hobbies”, to which Kathryn snapped she had no idea what those were supposed to be. 

It was a rarely seen flash of temper. He knew full well she had a temper, but it was slow to rise normally. The inherent stress of the situation had to be incredible. 

So he gave her an hour to calm down before he went down and buzzed at her door. 

“Enter.”

The quarters looked messier than usual. He thought he saw signs of someone attempting to settle down and failing. A book lay open on the coffee table, a blanket spread over the sofa. A half drunk cup of coffee stood in the window, and her work computer was on. Amidst it, she was pacing back and forth like a caged feline. 

Judging the mood of the room, he just went to his usual armchair and sat down. He’d found if people wanted to talk, then silence was the best way to get them to open up. 

Janeway kept pacing but she’d glance at him, something in her building every time she passed. 

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been there by the time she tired of pacing and slumped down on the couch. 

“I’m sorry.”

He assumed she was talking about her mood.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.”

  
  
“I do. I…” She clasped her hands together, leaning over. “I’m sorry about Jaffen, that you had to see that. It...It wasn’t really me, I understand that but the person they created she...she really loved him.”

Chakotay frowned. He wasn’t entirely sure why she was apologizing. “It’s fine, Kathryn. You weren’t yourself, and it’s not like Jaffen was part of the crew.”

“I offered him a place here. Just because I felt bad. I felt bad that the second I was back here, what I felt for him disappeared.”

“There’s no need to beat yourself up over that. He was in love with someone who didn’t really exist.”

“Still, it...it couldn’t be easy for you. Even if...Even if it wasn’t really me.”

He had no idea what was going through her head. 

“Kathryn, the rules you’ve imposed on yourself, they’re yours. I see the reasoning for them, you know I do, but they’re your choice.”

She frowned now. “You...You mean we’re non-exclusive?”

If he’d been drinking, he would have ended up sputtering it all over her coffee table.

“Non-exclusive?” His voice slid higher in incredulity.

“Why else wouldn’t you be upset by seeing me with Jaffen? I know we’re together, so unless we have decided that we aren’t exclusive, that had to be hard for you.”

He was stunned, and could only stare at her. 

“I know you’re trying to be gentle with me, and not force me to remember but the signs are all there. You know her - me - so well, you know the things in my quarters, you know what I read in bed. We seem to spend the majority of our free time together. I remember more about you than any other person on Voyager - things I have no explanation for how I know. I know you drink tea, I know you like to read non-fiction over fiction, your favourite holoprogramme is the Appalachian Trail, I know the names of everyone in your family, the choices you made on your Maquis ship. I know your first girlfriend was killed in the war, I know you’re most afraid of not having a vision or a dream that you believe in. How do I know all of this about you when I can’t remember my own breakfast order?”

It was dark in her quarters but he could make out her features. His heart was beating heavy in his chest, his legs trembling. 

“We’re...close.”

She reached out, put her hand on his knee. “I know that. I feel it. I’ve felt it since the moment I met you on Quarren. I remember that I love you, what we have together.”

His eyes were burning, his throat seared shut. All the words that wanted to escape him, the declarations, the vows, the millions of ways of tenderness he’d carried for her that he could never voice. It warred with his conscious. Kathryn would remember the whole story, would remember her own oath to never complicate her leadership with a romantic involvement on the crew. His own wish to have this, even for a second, was selfish. 

Slowly, he put his hand on top of hers on his knee. “Kathryn…” He swallowed, tried to make the words like up but he felt like he was sliding down a rocky slope, hurtling himself towards what could only be pain at the bottom.

“We are close, you’re right. I love you, I have for the last seven years. Probably will for the rest of time. But...we’re...we’re not together.”

Her hand flinched under his and he took it and held it. “You...you’re the Captain, and as Captain you couldn’t really have a relationship with anyone serving under you. It would risk the chain of command. What may be fine for everyone else on the crew, it would be much harder for you. So you made the decision, long ago, that for as long as you were Captain, you wouldn’t be with anyone on the crew. You know that I love you, and I know you feel something for me too, but it...it isn’t as easy as we want it to be.”

Her eyebrows knitted. “I do love you. I sense it when I look at you.”

“And I love you. But if I...While there is nothing in this universe that I would rather do than kiss you, make you mine, be yours, what we have means too much to me. I am in love with you but you’re my best friend as well. If I let you, while you’re in this state, while you don’t remember everything, don’t remember your resolve, I risk not only losing you as the love of my life but losing my best friend. I couldn’t handle that, Kathryn. I couldn’t stand losing you.”

She pulled her hand from his, rubbed her face. “I don’t...I don’t really understand this. I remember being with you. I remember how you make me feel. Why...why would I not let that be a bigger part of my life?”

He had asked himself the same question, thousands of times, but in the end he respected her decision. Being a great leader was one of the things that made her into who she was. And he loved who she was. 

“Because even if you love...me,” he breathed it, still couldn’t believe his own ears. He’d known she cared for him, respected him, viewed him as a friend and confidante. But loved? That had been reserved to his dreams. “You love the crew more. You need to be who they need you to be. Because on some level, even though I have tried to tell you different, you blame yourself for us being out here. You believe these people are seventy years from home because of you and you feel the need to be unimpeachable, perfect, for them. Having a relationship with me would break that code.”

Kathryn leaned back, a frustrated sigh escaping her.

“All of this is theoretical to me. All I feel, all that I know, is that I love you. That we belong together.”

“I…” He slumped in his chair. “Kathryn, all of this, what you’re telling me, I hear it and I...I can’t believe it. You can’t know how happy it makes me. But you’re still not back to your normal self. If I let you do this, and believe me, I want to, more than anything, then I may lose all of you once you remember everything. I can’t let you let yourself down because I was thinking too much about myself.”

She narrowed her eyes and a small smile tugged at her lips. “You know, I can see why I fell for you.”

“It’s the hair, isn’t it?”

His attempt to lighten the mood helped and she chuckled, a little wetly. “Yeah. It’s the hair.”

  
  


o.O.o

  
  


She wouldn’t claim that she one day woke with all her memories, but just like the EMH had claimed, it went faster and faster until he was pleased to announce all the original memory engrams were in place. Knowing they were didn’t help with wondering. Had something been missed? Some small, yet incredibly important memory whose impact had affected who she was? A missed conversation, a brush of a hand, an hour that never happened?

Thinking of it could drive her insane. Preferring to focus her attention elsewhere, she worked. And worked. Slept, ate, then worked again. Even her iron stomach was complaining at the amounts of coffee she poured into it. But she had to. She had to so she could ignore the sensation that something was wrong, missing. Her whole life, while familiar, was out of step. 

And she knew why. With Jaffen, while he did nothing now but awaken a fond nostalgia, he’d woken the urge she’d suppressed for so long. Given her a taste of what it was like to care for someone again, and be cared for in return. Her heart and her body knew he had been nothing but a placeholder, but now that he was gone, the hole left behind was all the greater. 

For days she had questioned herself, her beliefs, her very core convictions. And, she had concluded, some things in life were worth their price even if it turned out to be high. 

Her life was potentially 70 years of service as captain of Voyager, spending all of them alone may in the end be a disservice to her crew. Render her alone and bitter, insensible to the pain of others in the wake of her own. In her life she had a man she loved - something she’d never questioned - and who loved her in return. Loved her enough for who she was to bear the decision she had made, that nothing could ever come of it. It was a gift from the universe, one she had been denying too long. Losing herself, and him by extension, had shown her that there were some memories more precious than others, some feelings stronger than science. It didn’t make sense to her to deny it anymore. 

The door beeped and she stood as Chakotay entered. As it was after shift end, and the door had already closed he greeted her by name.

“Kathryn.”

She had planned a whole speech. Outlining her thoughts, taking him reasonably through her arguments. But he just stood, warmth in his eyes, patience and trust like a cloud around him.

So she stepped around the desk, stating “I’m back. All the engrams are there.”

“I know,” he smiled so the corners of his eyes creased. “I see you. And I’ve seen you on the Bridge. I know you’re all you.”

She stepped even closer and something wary crept into his stance. His gaze slid over her face, then over the floor, flicked back. 

“It’s made me think. All the reasons I once had, they’re...small, now. Losing who I am has made me realize that I was already resisting being who I am. I’m in love with you, that’s part of me. Denying it just makes me less.”

“Kathryn,” he breathed. In the short word she heard awe, hope, and an unspoken question.

“You want me, for me. All of what I am, the good and the bad. I know you, better than anyone, and you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out. I am sorry that I kept you waiting for so long. That I kept us waiting.”

“I’d wait forever, you know that. I won’t disappear. I don’t want you to do this and regret it because you thought I forced your hand.”

“That’s the last thing I think. I’m the one who’s tired of waiting. Waiting for myself. Now I’ve found it, and I want to share it with you.”

He reached for her hand and she weaved their fingers together.

“How...What about the crew?”

“Believe it or not, but I don’t actually want to talk about the crew right now. I want you to kiss me.”

His eyes lit up, and he tugged at her hand so she closed the distance between them.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

She raised a playful eyebrow at him, her arms winding around his neck. “I’m the Captain, Commander. I’m not asking.”

“Aye, aye, sir.”

His lips curved in a smile before they met hers. 

**Author's Note:**

> My first time trying to write Janeway/Chakotay, I hope I did okay :)


End file.
